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| Road to Germany: the forgotten Hope-Crosby movie! |
Surprise! I'm still alive, somehow, but have been markedly busy. More on that later.
Nazis, Nazis, Nazis. The big boogeyman to Hollywood celebrities, morbidly obese college girls with technicolor hair, and historically-illiterate schmoes.
Fascism, like Marxism, is a backward and obsolete philosophy, but one more well-known and reviled by idiots who only know about the former versus the educated people who are aware of both ideologies and hate both. So many crybabies toss those words around as insults when they're just vapid words that discredit them. George Orwell put it this way:
It will be seen that, as used, the word ‘Fascism’ is almost entirely meaningless. In conversation, of course, it is used even more wildly than in print. I have heard it applied to farmers, shopkeepers, Social Credit, corporal punishment, fox-hunting, bull-fighting, the 1922 Committee, the 1941 Committee, Kipling, Gandhi, Chiang Kai-Shek, homosexuality, Priestley's broadcasts, Youth Hostels, astrology, women, dogs and I do not know what else.
Yet underneath all this mess there does lie a kind of buried meaning... By ‘Fascism’ they mean, roughly speaking, something cruel, unscrupulous, arrogant, obscurantist, anti-liberal and anti-working-class. Except for the relatively small number of Fascist sympathizers, almost any English person would accept ‘bully’ as a synonym for ‘Fascist’...
But Fascism is also a political and economic system. Why, then, cannot we have a clear and generally accepted definition of it? Alas! we shall not get one — not yet, anyway. To say why would take too long, but basically it is because it is impossible to define Fascism satisfactorily without making admissions which neither the Fascists themselves, nor the Conservatives, nor Socialists of any colour, are willing to make. All one can do for the moment is to use the word with a certain amount of circumspection and not, as is usually done, degrade it to the level of a swearword.
In short, what Orwell says is that words like "Fascism" and "Nazi" have been tossed around so much and reserved to describe something someone doesn't like, that it's lost its meaning. You can see this at any AntiFA mass-temper tantrum and it's something Seth MacFarlane loves to do as well.
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Seth, I would LOVE to see you play the "You're a Nazi" card
at the airport or if the police stop you.
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It may sound like a Leftist bitchfest from the 2016 Election era and beyond, but this was actually made in 2010.
But what does he know about the Nazi Nazis? You know. The ones from history?
I'll admit that Hitler isn't my forte and I had made a mistake at calling the Nazi Party a minor group at the time World War I ended in an old ICBINAVGN video, but I'd bet I know better than most of the idiots on Twitter who Godwin until the cows come home.
Let's find out with Road to Germany. God help us.
PLOT
The episode starts with the Griffins and their friends watching the start of the Academy Awards. I don't care what Gandalf says about "the little naked gold man" in the gag dub of the Ralph Bakshi version, they're obviously a political show. Peter makes a remark about co-host Steve Buscemi's large teeth working for themselves... leading to our first cutaway!
One minute. A new record for the manatees!
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| Forget the Oscars, here's the real story tonight. WALKING, TALKING TEETH caught on live TV! |
Then the plot kicks in where Mort the Stereotype asks if he can use the bathroom. However, it's being used by Meg with Quagmire recording her using it. Y'know, I'm not the shipping type, but from what I've seen offhand, I'd say that one of the manatees is QuagMeg.
It's also an incredible feat for her considering that Meg was already downstairs at the time.
Looking for another bathroom, Mort goes into Stewie's room and finds his infamous time machine. He goes inside thinking it's a port-a-potty.
Then Peter plugs Ensure. Really. Immediately afterwards.
Brian goes to find Mort, seemingly going straight to Stewie's bedroom first. An act the baby takes offense at. We're told an hour had passed since he was seen last (though there never was any indication this amount of time had gone by) and it's revealed that someone used the time machine. Brian didn't know about it, Stewie reveals that he had built it after getting bored with an European See 'N Say. The Ensure plug occurred at the 1:53 time stamp, the See 'N Say vignette at 2:30. Not that much story material?
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So what? Is the joke supposed to be how foreigners have
a tendency to hear noises differently? I don't get it.
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When Brian asks if it's possible that Mort might have gone into the time machine by accident, Stewie brings in Rick Moranis and a few back up singers from Little Shop of Horrors for some reason.
Oh...
Anyway, from the musical number they learn that Mort did use the time machine by accident. Unfortunately, they're clueless as to where the machine took them since Stewie didn't install any kind of display and won't take any sort of constructive criticism. Bringing him back is out of the question because you need the return pad. Brian stresses the need to recover him, since leaving him in the past is like silent movie porn. Well, if something exists, there's... oh, it's just the latest manatee cutaway.
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| Geddit? Rubbers? Rubber boots. Hur hur hur. |
Stewie jokes around about the Butterfly Effect, saying you can do whatever without side-effects. Ah yes, the Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time philosophy of chronological preservation!
They slip out of the time stream with DeLorean-style burning tracks behind them. Right now, they need to find out where they are and when. After a call back to the See N' Say gag, they follow a trail of wadded up tissues, leading into a city, revealed to be Warsaw. They enter a synagogue and the viewer is treated to a rabbi saying:
...and so we had him crucified, but that doesn't leave this room.Anti-Semitism AND Christophobia! Two birds with one stone! It's a good thing that the Nazis didn't try to use stuff like that to foment pogromatic actions against the Jewish minority in the territories they conquered. Oh wait.
Stewie announces they're looking for "Mr. Goldman", causing the entire congregation to raise its hands. When Brian narrows it down to "Mort Goldman", about half of the people there drop their arms. Stewie adds "small business owner", "whiny" and "hypochondriac" to the description. More hands go up. Ha.
Brian finds a card saying that they're having a wedding and it's dated to September 1, 1939 -- a date that seems familiar to Brian. *Cough*Start of WWII*Cough*
Just as the glass is about to be smashed, Mort starts running his mouth about the glass cutting him at his wedding. This gives him away to Brian and Stewie, who try to tell him that he time travelled. Mort doesn't believe them, saying he's in Heaven because all his tightwad relatives are there. Are we sure a Skinhead wasn't secretly on the writing staff?
So after some prodding, Stewie convinces Brian to let them stay for the wedding. At the same time, Berlin is making its move. What? No Moscow either?
Let me explain. At that point, Nazi Germany and the USSR had signed the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact, a non-aggression treaty between Hitler and Stalin to jointly invade Poland and divide it between them. Of course the treaty was voided with the commencement of Operation Barbarossa on June 22, 1941... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Anyway, Brian finally recognizes the date as the invasion of Poland by Germany. Stewie calls it the exact day and year Rene Russo was born. When he said that I went "Huh?" and looked her up. IMDB lists her birthday as February 17, 1954. Why Stewie said that, I don't know. Possibly another person on MacFarlane's "People I Hate Most" list alongside Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker.
They try to get back to the present, but the return pad screws up. Ah, the faulty deus ex! Don't come up with a plausible explanation as to why you can't immediately resolve your problems... just have it conveniently not work!
Brian's Plan B is to escape to England, but no sooner does he formulate this does Mort start bitching, causing German troops find them in the alley. Fortunately, they have Stormtrooper Syndrome and can't shoot straight. They try to get out of Poland with Mort dressed as a priest. Catholic or Positive Christian? Because the former in general tended to be opposed to Hitler, despite Jack Chick's ravings. Before they can leave, the officer at the checkpoint requests Mort to give the last rites to a fallen soldier.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure the Wehrmacht collected their fallen, wrapped them in flags, sang "I Once Had A Comrade", and buried them. Not really the foremost expert on the Nazis, but it's doubtful they'd get a priest to read the last rites. But what the hell! We got to have Mort the Stereotype saying whiny Judeo-jargon filtered through a grade school Klansman ("...Your Son who died in a freak accident that you can't really blame on anyone" "...take this man up to your retail paying-place").
Anyway, the officer is skeptical about if Mort really is a priest. Stewie vouches for him, saying that (sigh) he molested him repeatedly. Then a real priest comes up and incriminates himself to the same deed. Yawn. Those jokes were stale by the time this episode came out, but I wouldn't be surprised he'd keep running with it. Now Mohammed, there's someone who's a wealth of jokes few people have tapped into! Seriously, he married a six-year-old girl and had his followers drink camel piss, because he thought it was medicine, but comedians are too scared to say anything about that!
Their cover gets blown, causing the dead guy to scream "You are a filthy Jew!", to which Stewie tells him to be grateful his HR guy isn't around. What, is this a Mel Gibson reference? Because your staff tends to do worse, Captain Flashback.
Ten minutes to go...
Chase ensues. Brian and company flee on a motorcycle, with German personnel on their tail. Stewie falls out of the passenger car, takes the bottom of an apple cart to use as a skateboard in a Back to the Future reference (complete with a manure truck), theme and all, because...
Leaving Poland, they get to a nearby Kriegsmarine station and try to commandeer a U-boat. Naturally, they succeed, but not before Mort is identified as Art Garfunkel... despite the man not being born for another two years.
Another chase ensues, this time by another U-Boat and... Terence Trent D'Arby.
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| This episode has just hit the Seltzerberg. |
The U-Boat chasing them is foiled by blasting a newspaper in their faces. One of the images shows Hitler shaking hands with what appears to be a Mickey Mouse knock-off. I'm not sure if it's an homage to Hitler being a Disney fan... or the accusations by people like MacFarlane about Walt Disney allegedly being a Nazi sympathizer -- an urban legend created by former animator Art Babbitt after their professional relationship soured. These accusations were carried on after the political monopolization of entertainment following the HUAC era, because Disney didn't exactly toe the same line people like MacFarlane and Green do.
Anyway, continuing...
The U-Boat crashes, police cars pile up... underwater. Oh, a Blues Brothers reference. I don't think that's going to salvage this episode. But we don't see Terence D'Arby? Considering he wasn't born until 1962, it makes me wonder how he was chasing them.
They get to England and apparently wait two years for some reason to leave the U-Boat, because by the time we see them on dry land again, the London Blitz is underway. Quick unfunny bit with Churchill and Stewie figures out what's wrong with the return pad: it's powered by uranium and they don't have any. The Germans have it, Brian reveals, Stewie asks why America isn't getting involved, Brian's response: "I don't know, maybe because they don't have any oil." He says this as he steadily turns his gaze at the camera.
Ah, topical humor. It's the Achilles' Heel of adult animation. If you run out of sex and drugs, stuff your show with contemporary sociopolitical subjects. Doesn't matter that in about thirty or forty years it's going to be a WTF moment with people who watch it, because nothing can date fiction faster than politics!
So Team Fuzzy Door goes to an RAF Base and they just let Stewie join because he's ambiguously gay, has a British accent, doesn't brush his teeth, and claims to have an ugly wife. Clearly rules and regulations aren't a factor in the MacFarlaneverse unless one's a main character. Brian proved this in the SSM episode.
A squadron of RAF bombers take off for Germany (led by Team Fuzzy Door, natch), the Luftwaffe attack, fighters come to assist... and Stewie flurts with an RAF pilot. Yeah. Herbert territory.
With another wave of Messerschmitts inbound, the bombers are rescued by--and I am not making this up--the Hawkmen from Flash Gordon. What, is this Anno Dracula all of a sudden?
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| Pretty sure that's a caricature of Brian Blessed, which would mean... |
Almost done, almost done...
Their bomber takes a hit and they're forced to bail out in a rubber raft. The Blues Brothers reference didn't save the show and I doubt an Indiana Jones one will fare much better.
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Is this another Disney-Hitler Collusion thing? If it is, I can only laugh because
the Walt Disney Company owns 20th Century Fox now, meaning that Family Guy
is now...
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Surviving the crash, they reach Berlin. Mort thinks it's not so bad, but Brian is disgusted by the way the Nazi propagandists portray Jews.
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| Hmm. Not too far off from Streicher's stuff in reality. |
Team Fuzzy Door tricks a trio of German officers into an alley, claiming to be caricature artists, and knock them out to steal their uniforms (which magically conform to their bodies) and one has McCain-Palin button from the 2008 Presidential Election. Yeah, remember the Orwell quote in the preamble? In the mind of MacFarlane, anyone to the right of Leon Trotsky is a Nazi. Never mind the fact that McCain was a self-serving Progressive mole anyway.
It's also kind of funny because the Obama years were the closest to totalitarianism America ever got, considering stuff like Holder's wiretapping of American citizens and the IRS's discrimination against conservative groups looking for tax-exempt status.
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| How would either of them be alive back then? Oh, right. It's an adult cartoon on FOX. |
They enter the lab, Stewie uses a marker to make himself look like Hitler. We get a reference to "99 Luftballoons", because Nukes, Germany, and...
(checks release date)
...of course.
Also, Mean Joe Greene gives him the needed uranium... and he was born in 1946. Also, didn't the manatees use this joke before?
Also, he's black. Wouldn't that make him fodder for one of the Nazis' labor camps?
It looks like Team Fuzzy Door is home free, but they run into the real Hitler... leading to a Groucho-and-the-Mirror routine between him and football head. They almost get executed, but Hitler request a musical number... one thankfully cut short by Mort (and the runtime).
They get back to 2008, thirty seconds before Mort runs upstair to use the bathroom. To avoid anything going wrong, Stewie shoves their extra Mort into the time machine and destroys it with a laser--which raises questions about how he could replace it so easily given a certain latter episode. The original Mort barges in... but does "Road to Germany" before he can do anything.
The End. Go directly to jail. Do not pass "Go". Do not collect $200.
VERDICT
Well, this was a mash-up of the worst of "You May Now Kiss..." and "Meet the Quagmires". It's nothing short of amusing seeing the easily-dated topics of the disastrous Iraq War and the tragic 2008 Election in hindsight considering the celebrity class' status as a Democrat puppet. We've seen accusations of fascism from MacFarlane long before the inauguration of Trump made the act popular, something that makes them look increasingly pathetic.
I likewise find MacFarlane's accusations of Disney's alleged anti-Semitism ironic, considering the fact that he's using his religion and ethnicity as a source for jokes rather than his nerdy nature like it was in the earlier seasons. Same with the softball attacks on Christianity: going for safe targets, rather than going the daring route. Where as there was nothing confirmed about Walt's prejudices, 80's Man's are right out there in the open.
It's also coy that of all the places in history he could have gone, he went with the outbreak of WWII. The Nazis are a tired subject in Western history. We already know they were bad news, but to hold their atrocities as THE absolute worst is naive. We have the Final Solution to the Jewish Question drilled into our minds, and rightfully so, but how many in the West are as readily familiar with the Volga Famine of 1921-22, the Holodomor, the Great Leap Forward and Cultural Revolution in China, and the Killing Fields? Here's a clue, it wasn't Hitler who perpetrated them.
If he wanted to do Mort time travelling by accident, he could have been creative and gone to the declining era of Romanov Russia--Alexander III and Nicholas II were both notorious anti-Semites... but apparently the main stuff in MacFarlane's repertoire are Hitler and ANYTHING that can make the international Chruch look bad.
I know it sounds like I'm rambling, but I just don't get what the point of this was. Was it meant to be a straight-up historical adventure? Was MacFarlane trying to boast about how much he knew about Nazism? Maybe he was feeling a bit cruel toward Jewish people? I don't know and it gave me a headache!
I'm DLAbaoaqu, and I'm back!
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You may have been wondering what had become of me. That silly old guy who made a bunch of text commentaries on random AVGN wannabes. Clearly I'm still alive. Furthermore, I am taking the initiative to do something that doesn't involve making fun of kids and posers who don't know what they're doing. My latter college days quelled my desire for riffing and only a handful were released before ICBINAVGN stopped altogether. Their pose of this post is to inform the five readers of this inactive blog about a children's book I have recently self-published. A story that can best be described as Rugrats meets The Powerpuff Girls meets Godzilla. It was a project begun roughly at the same time I had graduated college: a story of a baby girl mistakenly given superpowers through an experimental drug meant to cure her of an inborn disease. The Marvelous Kimmy is a merry little romp influenced by the early days of manga and anime as we know it: the days of Astro Boy '63 and Speed Racer, among others. You can buy the ebook here or order the PDF here:
